This is the place I'll come and share random thoughts, comments and some basic BS I feel is worth sharing. You, however, may not feel like it’s worth reading. I make no promises that any of it will make sense, or will even make you laugh… Although, I will certainly try.
I hope you enjoy my musings and my insanity!

P.S. Don’t forget… Tip your waitress on your way out the door!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Friendship

I was having a discussion around the topic of “Friendship” with someone I currently consider a very close friend. We decided to write a blog… What makes a good friend, what kind of friends do we think we are? Etc…

She wrote her opinion of what she believes a true friend is.

I decided to write what I feel a true friend should do and would never do.

We asked another writer who happens to be one of my good friends to play “Devil’s Advocate.” Why? Well, because that’s what he does best…forever the cynic, this friend of mine. He will shoot holes in every part of what we’ve written.

…But let me add after reading his contribution I was quite surprised. Rather than shooting holes, he actually filled in some gaps I think. =)

Please comment and let us know what you think? What’s your opinion on “Friendship”? What kind of friend are you? What kind of friends do you surround yourself with? Whatever you choose is fine really…Just comment! We like comments…=)

Love ya!

Wookiesgirl


The following written By Flygirlie314

My Definition of Friendship: The bond between individuals where honesty, loyalty, devotion and acceptance are considered priorities.

In other words, you find qualities in another that you can relate to or embrace; aspects that might compliment one another, similarities that you might share.

What should friendship entail?

What do I expect from a friend?

A friend is someone who I can bare my heart and soul to, regardless of negativity or repercussions. Someone I can count on to tell me the truth about myself or situation no matter how ugly it may be. A friend is forgiving and trustworthy. A friend is someone who would accept you for everything you are, good and bad.

A friend is one who, no matter how much time passes without contact, you can pick up right where you left off. No second guesses, no insecurities.

Friendship passes the test of time.

A friend is one who answers the phone when the time is inconvenient. A friend comes through for you.

I think there should be no ifs, ands or buts in friendship. No holds barred.

Now, a friend doesn’t necessarily need to approve of your choices or decisions, a friend needs to understand why you make them and love you in spite of them.

…Flygirlie314


The following written by Me.. Wookiesgirl

My Definition of Friendship: A true friend stabs you in the front… Never in the back!

I’m going to tell you all about what I feel is NOT friendship.

Many times in my life I have been hurt by people, aka “friends”… Usually, because I thought they were my friends and they truly weren’t, or I thought them to be more of a friend then they really were.

Let me explain just a little… I feel that I may view/judge my friendships based on how I treat the person I am friends with. I hope for the same treatment or loyalty that I give in return.

Now I know what you’re thinking…how conditional right? Well no…not at all. I don’t give to my friends because I expect something in return… I give because I want to give… I can’t help myself. I’m a romantic where love and friendship are concerned. I automatically think that if I give you love, care and my loyalty, you will and should return it.

The problem is I don’t always get that love, care and loyalty in return.

I am a very loyal friend. I am a giving friend.

I have a mothering heart and if you need mothering, I can be that for you.

I will help you always when you need it and yes sometimes, as I mentioned before in a previous blog, I will let you fall on your ass when you need it.

I will tell you the truth when you refuse to see it or even hear it.

I do realize I am NOT perfect. I am a pain in the ass and I’m not always the best friend that I can be. I am quite sure I have hurt people. I try to clean that up and there is always more work and more amends to make… I am human and I do try to remember that my “friends” are human too.
Anyway…

In return for my love, care and loyalty I think you should give me the same… but this is not always the case with people…Most people fall short of my "friend" expectations.

Expectations get me in trouble. I end up getting my feelings hurt.

When you do something or don’t do something according to my expectations, no matter how rational or realistic those expectations may be… I know that it truly is my problem.

…But I digress… back to what I think a true friend is or isn’t:

A true friend will not stab you in the back by consistently telling you one thing to your face and then acting differently while you watch… then denying the behavior…UGH this makes me crazy… LOL

A true friend will tell you the truth, even if they think it will hurt.

A true friend will NOT LIE to you.

A true friend will not go behind your back to others and seek information about you or stir trouble, whether or not there is trouble to be found.

A true friend will defend you even if they think you’re wrong. They can rip into you later in private but in public they will stand by you.

A true friend won’t pick your man over you.

A true friend won’t take your man.

A true friend remains a friend… no matter what… No matter if they think you’re making bad choices or taking wrong actions, or if they don’t agree with your point of view.

A true friend stays true.

…WookiesGirl


The following written by CorbSilverthorn

The definitions given above are idealistic. It would be wonderful if everyone were able to be a good friend like that.

I don’t believe every individual has the capacity to be a good friend, especially in today’s society. The distractions make us absentee friends and the day to day grind of work and school and life in general, makes it too easy to not stay in touch. We do not seek each other “just because”. We seek each other when we need something. And I’m not talking about money or other material things (although yes, that too), I’m talking about emotional needs. We seek each other out when we need to unload our burdens. And yes, of course that’s part of friendship, but sometimes that’s the pattern we fall into. It’s no longer a give and take… it’s just a take.

When we expect a certain kind of behavior from a person we have befriended, we are automatically setting them up for failure, and we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. The moment we expect the same treatment or loyalty in return, that we give that person, we change the dynamics of friendship.

Friendship should be given with absolutely no expectations. It’s like lending money to a relative or friend; you should never expect it back.

We can never give ourselves completely to the person or people we call friends. We are never completely open. We all have that small deposit of thoughts that are locked away from everyone. Somewhere along the line every person becomes territorial, and somewhere along that winding road of friendship, that territory gets stomped on.

With all of that said, we have to realize men and women think and act differently when it comes to friendship. Although, I believe, women make better friends than men, women are also more uptight about maintaining friendships than men. Women are natural friends. Men, well, we really don’t think about it. We, for the most part, don’t feel a need to share what’s in our head, unless it’s something really stupid, funny, or something that will get us into trouble. We don’t talk about our emotions and we don’t hug each other… unless we’re saying hello and then it’s not even a real hug.

I know, I know, you are currently shaking your head and saying “not true, men hug!” that’s fine. Let’s move along now….

My point, yes, finally I’ve reached it… I think…

Friendship is an ever evolving creature. Why? Because we are ever evolving creatures and our circumstances are ever evolving. Sometimes the friendships last, sometimes they drift apart, sometimes they come back, and sometimes they don’t. We should be there for our friends, yes, so true. But we should also seek our friends when times are good and we just want to shoot the breeze. If your friend only seeks you when he or she needs to feed off of your energy, then that isn’t a true friend. If our own well is empty, we’ve got nothing to offer another person.

Kahlil Gibran said it best:

And let your best be for your friend.

If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.

For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?

Seek him always with hours to live.

For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.

And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.

For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.


So, just relax and remember that not everyone is cut out to be a friend. Not everyone will be the friend that you think you are.

…CorbSilverthorn

9 comments:

H.C. Zuerner said...

I find myself identifying with all the points of view, which is probably why it is best that not just one person wrote this post. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

I think the true definition of a friend is someone who accepts you for who you are, unconditionally. That doesn't mean they won't call you on your BS and keep you straight. In fact, that is a true friend. One who will won't let things fester and who will tell you like it is with love. That last bit is the most important part; WITH LOVE.

I will say that I think the most damaging thing to a friendship is lack of communication mixed with assumptions. This past year has been a year of gaining true friends (two of whom are the first two writers on this blog), and I strive to always remain open for more (which means you could get lucky, Corbin).

WookieStyle said...

excellent and enlightening post!!! I love that three completely different opinions are brought together in such a thought provoking manner. I must admit that I came into reading this blog expecting one thing; yet, I find myself leaving it completely different. I find myself questioning my ideas and expectations of my friends. And, who do I think I am if I hold my friendship in such high regard that I could lord it over any of theirs in some haughty comparison... not to mention, if the thought of comparison ever entered into it, is it truly a friendship. Thank you all for sharing. I hope to see even more of these thought provoking comparisons.

Heather said...

I love this post!
I think all of you hit on some really good points.
For me, there's no one all-encompassing meaning when I use the word "friend."

Friend might be someone I like well enough to eat lunch with at work, but not spend time with outside the office.

Friend might be someone I trade writing with for an unbiased opinion.

Friend might be someone I've known and shared things with since I was 7.

However, if I go for the answer I think you're really getting at, there are a few things that Friend really boils down to.

Friend is someone who does not act or speak with the intention of being hurtful or insulting.

Friend is someone I share things with.

Friend is someone I respect, and who respects me in return.

Friend is someone who enriches my life with their presence in it.

I think those are the main points that can be applied universally.

@zombot said...

Friends stick together. They are there for each other. A friend is someone who will drop whatever they're doing when they are needed because they place your friendship above their own affairs, and the people in their lives will understand when they need to answer the call.

A friend also makes sure to tell you when you have parsley in your teeth.

Mike aka Stinkey said...

A true friend is like family. You'll take them for granted, they will piss you off, make you cry, make you pull your hair out. But when the chips are down there always there for the good or bad. And like family when you loose one for ever it tares a chunk out of your heart that never heals.
They will as also make you laugh, dust you off, lend a hand, give an arm to lran on and generally make you feel good at the sound of there voice or the sight of them.

Anonymous said...

I can identify with what everyone wrote & through the years. I have learned that it is okay to have true friends on one hand.

I too believe that true friendship is honesty, love, respect, standing side by side. Not judging but constructive criticism.

It's knowing when you share your heart & soul. It isn't going to be shared with others because you trust your friend.

Trust, a word that has made it hard for me to reach out in the past few years. I still look back to years ago when things started to fall apart in my life. Those who I thought were my true friends never asked once what was wrong. They took sides, they judged me. I know, I am not perfect & when I needed these so called friends who played important roles to events in my life. They were too busy making fun of me to my face. It hurt like hell & I can say it hurt my spouse & child more. Today, these people have gone through things I have gone through. I pray for them & even still love them.

Through the bumps in the road, I have gained a few friends & I believe a true friend loves you for who you are, like stated above unconditionally, they are there through it all.

A true friend knows you inside out & when you isolate as I tend to do they show up at your door. I have learned that a real friend can be family more than your own. I have learned to laugh with my true friends. I have learned how to have fun. Due to that word Trust~ the few friends I have today are real & have helped me with friendship & trust.

There are some people today that I know talk about me. Funny how there is a couple on my Fb page. They are there due to the fact~ that I did not stop loving them or judge them.
I just missed them & wondered why & if at all they were ever a true friend & today if one of them called I would be there in a heartbeat. That is just me.

A true friend answers the phone at 3am & doesn't complain that they lost sleep.. A true friend helps you when your lost and scared & having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

A real friend does not abandon you no-matter how much time passes. A real friend says how can I help?

A true friend tells me when I talk too much.{lol} True friends are family, in my life today my dearest friends have walked through the worst of times & the best of times.. I can go on & on. I would only be repeating more of what has already been stated.
I will end with this, Far from being perfect, I watch my son who is 18 with his friends a few real ones. What I see is honesty, loyalty, telling the truth, not hanging up the phone w/out saying I love you bro or sis. One thing his friends & he agreed upon, is you do not ever get out of the car w/out giving a hug or saying I love you. Their reply when I asked "Life is too short."

Lets just say when he hurt his neck a few months ago. I had to text his adopted sister, & brothers one which we went through so much with. These friends fought for the one we went through hell with.

The one that we all notice is missing, like at graduation. Two were at are house after the hospital & one didn't leave until she new my son was okay.

The next day his b/f who he really had not talked to due to his choices called to check on him & came down to visit. Again no-matter what a true friend...{sorry if this is too long]

Jinxie said...

I’ve been walked on, stomped on, and kicked to the curb many times throughout my life by so-called “friends.” PIL even has a song titled “Fair-weather Friend” and it’s one I used to listen to a lot, but the reasons for that haven’t happened in a very long time, so we’ll push it to the side. Let’s just say I’m very careful about whom I choose as friends these days, and not quite as gullible as I used to be.

I talked about my friend Cyn on your last friend post, but I’d like to mention one whom I’ll just call “D.” I usually talk to D about once a week or so. D called me one day—a Saturday—and told me what was going on in her life. A lot of bad things happened in a very short amount of time. I had a lot of my own bad things going on, but hearing her sobbing voice beg me to come over, I instantly dropped anything I was working on and left my house. When I got there, her boyfriend opened the door, and I refrained from punching him as I passed him and went straight back to the bedroom because she was more important at that moment. D was sort of conscious, as she was on a lot of meds, and I crawled into bed with her. She turned over, crying, and I pulled her into my arms and held her for I don’t know how long. Just thinking about that day brings tears to my eyes because I was so scared for her, of losing her, because that’s how bad it was and that’s why she was drugged up. I can’t even begin to tell you how selfish I think suicide is, but at the same time, being in the position myself in the past, I understand the sorrow and loss of wanting to do it. It’s such an overwhelming feeling. For me, it’s like falling so deep into that well, that you get stuck in the muck at the bottom and just can’t pull yourself free of it, no matter how hard you try. I’ve survived it once, and that was because of Cyn. There are times when I’m grateful for my nocturnal nature because D calls me in the middle of the night when she can’t sleep, and I’m glad to be that outlet for her. I lay in bed for several hours with her that day, and then we moved to the living room because the boyfriend had to sleep before work. She doesn’t remember me being there at all. I had to tell her about it. The next time she called me, she said she felt bad and told me that I was always there for her, but she couldn’t help me with my problems at the time (I was losing my house). I told her to shut up. She giggled. She has the best giggle, and I don’t ever want to think that I’ll never hear that again.

So I’ll tell you what kind of friend I am. Even when my world is falling apart, I will stop everything—my own depression, my writing, my life—to be at your side when you need me the most … even when I’m upset with you.

And I’ll tell you what I think a friend is. A friend to me is someone I can feel comfortable enough with that I don’t have to worry about anything they might do or say to set me on edge. I shouldn’t have to worry that they’re going to hurt me … and when they do, my walls go up for some time until they can show me they won’t hurt me again. That’s just me in protect mode. I’ve been hurt a lot. I have to protect myself. And I don’t hang out with people I don’t consider friends. If I’m around, then I’m your friend, otherwise I wouldn’t be around.

I also agree with H.C. on this: “I think the true definition of a friend is someone who accepts you for who you are, unconditionally.” Unconditionally means no expectations of what kind of friend you should be, and love of the person you are, flaws and all.

I consider a true friend someone I bare my soul to, the one to whom I tell the secrets inside my head and heart, and the one I trust implicitly to the point that I allow them to see that hidden side of me. There are very few of these in the world.

I think Corbin hit the nail on the head in several areas. Who knew a guy could be so accurate when talking about friendship? *shrugs* LOL

akgrown04 said...

First let me say Thank you to wookiesgirl for emailing me the updates so I have been able to keep up.

A friend to me is someone that when Im in trouble they already knows what arena I'm fighting in and what corner I need them to go to.

A friend is someone who will tell me they love me and show me they love me. They talk to me, they listen and when we are together they are ok with just peace and quiet.

A friend is someone who when I am hurting they don't poke and prod for what is going on and the drama. They just offer their love and support and know that when I am ready I will talk, until then they hold me close.

A true friend is someone who knows me so much that there are times in my past that when we talk about it we both laugh, we both cry and we finish the story together.

A true friend loves me for me and not for what you define me as....

A true friend has no definition for who I am, just a place in their heart for me that no one else can fill or replace.

I try to be a true friend, I learn on a daily basis, through pain and sometimes excruciating heartache how to be a friend.

For today, I be that friend to myself, so that I can be a true friend to you.

Kathy M. said...

Fascinating post.

I found the three viewpoints worked well together. I didn't really see the last one as an opposing viewpoint. Only different.

I think he is right about male and female friendships. They are very different things. I just read about that in the Wall Street Journal, in fact.

Two other things stuck out to me: expectations. That dreaded E word. But you've already addressed that. And the old adage of trying to buy bread from the hardware store.

I think it's a valid point that not all people are capable of giving equally. I think people do the best they can at all times. Oh yeah. You taught me that!

It's a blessing, I think, when we can accept people for who and what they are without expectations. Not saying I can do that, mind you, only that it's a blessing when we can.

Lately, I find myself thinking about people in different ways. Not as "friends" or "not friends" but just as people God has put into my life. I want to be open to the lessons they have been put here to teach me and to let God lead me in these relationships. I also want to be willing to let them go when God decides it's time.

I know I will not do this perfectly. It's progress, not perfection, right? And I'm only human. xxoo

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