This is the place I'll come and share random thoughts, comments and some basic BS I feel is worth sharing. You, however, may not feel like it’s worth reading. I make no promises that any of it will make sense, or will even make you laugh… Although, I will certainly try.
I hope you enjoy my musings and my insanity!

P.S. Don’t forget… Tip your waitress on your way out the door!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

My Son

I was asked to write a poem about my son… my 18yr old. My response was one of shock coupled with a gaping mouth.

Really? A poem about my son? What would I write, about how many inappropriate things he does on a daily basis? NOT!!!!

Now don’t get me wrong. I love my son. He is a blessing. I have always felt this way about him. He was God’s gift to me.

So let me explain:

I got pregnant with my son when I was 18 yrs old. I had quit high school almost 2 yrs prior and I had no future. I was living at my boyfriend’s parent’s house. We had separate bedrooms of course but that never seemed to stop any “inappropriate behavior”. So there I am… can you see it? High school drop out, dance class drop out and working at a shit-hole gas station with absolutely NO FUTURE and then…I get pregnant.

Now my boyfriend was ecstatic and I was not unhappy… But definitely I was scared out of my mind. My boyfriends parents… heh… Yeah NOT HAPPY! My mother as you can imagine flipped out. I was hit with a whole lot of “You’re going to ruin your life” and “What about your future?”

Huh…My future? What freaking future? Have you been paying attention? I HAVE no future…

Basically this baby was my wake up call from God. A big huge kick in my ass to get it together.

So… I dropped the boyfriend who by the way decided to say about halfway through the pregnancy that it wasn’t his child... WHATEVER.

I went back and got my GED… which basically translates to I got my high school diploma and never made it through my Junior year.

I started going to college…. AMAZING... ME... College… Now I didn’t get to finish and that’s another story, but what I wanted to tell you was about my baby boy.

He was perfect… Well HE WAS HUGE AND HE ALMOST KILLED ME WHILE HE WAS BEING BORN… but he was perfect.

I was not a great mother… I was a teenage mother although I had turned 19 a month after he was born I was in no way ready to be a mother. I had moved back in with my mother and she of course was totally in love with my son. She used to say... “Go ahead, go out with your friends or your boyfriend…I’ll watch the baby” So I did... I mean of course I did. A LOT.

My baby boy slept through the night from very early on so it made it real easy to go out and stay out late. My mother was insane and used to have him sleep in her room so I never needed to be there if he woke in the middle of the night. It was very convenient. It was also VERY WRONG.

I used to beat myself up a lot over the fact that I don’t think I was a good mother to him when he was small. But then I look at his baby book and I see that I wrote in it religiously…I wrote things in there that I don’t remember about him and today I am so grateful that I did… I know that just because I wrote in his baby book doesn’t mean I deserve some mother of the year award… but I wasn’t as bad a mother as I sometimes think I was.

I also have a keepsake box for him… It has all sorts of things in it. The t-shirt he wore home from the hospital, his hospital bracelet, his pacifier, etc…It also had something in it that I had completely forgotten about. Apparently one night when I was at home I decided to write him a letter.

I will share it with you:

Dearest Matthew,

Today is September 26- you are 3 months old now. As I look at you sleeping you are perfect to me. I can’t believe sometimes that you are mine. I created you.

When you were born you were 8lbs 8ozs. I will tell you I thought I was going to die. But every moment of the pain was worth having you. If I could do it again I would. If it meant seeing you for the first time and hearing you cry, it would all be worth it.

As I look at you, I feel so much love for you.

I thank God for the perfect little boy he has given me.

You are beautiful and perfect in every way.

When you read this you will be a young man and I know I will love you then as much as I love you now.

I hope all your dreams and wishes come true.

Love you always and forever Son.


I took this letter and I sealed it in an envelope and said DO NOT OPEN UNTIL YOUR 18th BIRTHDAY.

I had forgotten about the letter. Matthew remembered on his birthday and he asked me about it.

WOW I was nervous. I had no idea what I had written. Lord knows what it could say right?

So he read it and I think he knew that I loved him then… and I think he knows that I love him now.

My son has not done all the things I hoped he would do. But he has also done many things I never thought he would do.

He is an amazing musician.

He is loved by his friends

He is very funny

He graduated high school (barely, but that is more than I can say for me)

He is going to college

He is responsible with work

He smokes too much (I DO NOT CONDONE THIS)

He wants to do the right thing even though he doesn’t always know what the right thing is.

He knows that his mother loves him.

SO that is all I will share today about my son. Although there is so much more...You can follow him on twitter. He is not on very often but he is awful fun to chat with when he is @mattyhoff

And now he's modeling

I love my son and today I am still grateful to God that he was my kick in the ass!

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