This is the place I'll come and share random thoughts, comments and some basic BS I feel is worth sharing. You, however, may not feel like it’s worth reading. I make no promises that any of it will make sense, or will even make you laugh… Although, I will certainly try.
I hope you enjoy my musings and my insanity!

P.S. Don’t forget… Tip your waitress on your way out the door!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Loss and Absolution

Since this is my place to rant about my daily events in life, I've decided I may as well let some of the thoughts in my mind out.

This last week has been incredibly sad for me.
I've suffered more losses than I care to think about. People that I let into my heart have turned on me and fed me to the wolves. People that I trusted wholeheartedly...
Don't get me wrong, this isn't meant to be a "pity party" or a"poor me session". I've remained quiet this week... tried to maintain some dignity and grace. Notice I said tried because there have been times this week where I've failed to do that. I'm human like the rest of you.

Today I woke feeling so empty inside and yet full at the same time. I can't hold it in anymore. I'm so angry and I want to lash out and cause harm to those that have hurt me. I'm trying to avoid that. It's not the person I wish to be instead I'll write. I'll write about my pain because truly that is where the anger I feel comes from. I'm in pain. I've been hurt. Rather than feed the anger I'll attend to the hurt and let it out.

Why not right? They can't hurt me anymore...or can they?

I've written a couple of blogs about friends and friendship. I've talked about how I give and give and then give more of myself. This is the way I am. I give all of me and I take care of the people that I love. I expect only one thing in return.
Your friendship.
My definition of friendship is pretty clear. Be the friend I am to you. Loyal, loving, caring, faithful and true. These words amazingly enough have been turned on me.
They now are twisted to say that I give only because I expect something in return. Maybe that's true... maybe they're right.
If wanting my friends to love me in return... to be for me what I am for them is wrong... then convict me.
Isn't that what all people want? To love and to be loved in return.
The things I gave... Love, attention, time, care, help, loyalty and acceptance. Was I so wrong for wanting those things returned to me? I don't think I was... But you tell me please.

I never asked them for anything but that. What I got was something entirely different.

What I got was a knife in the back and a slap in the face. What I got was harm brought to my husband. What I got was burned at the stake.
For what I ask? For what purpose?
Some say I am guilty and it doesn't really matter does it? It doesn't matter what the truth is or what the lie is or any of it. Some say I made my own bed and deserve what happened to me... Did I? Maybe I did...But if I made my bed, I didn't make it alone.

I would never do what these people have done. I would never tie you to the stake and laugh as you burned.

The loss I feel is so great. The ugliness I have witnessed has been gut wrenching. The hits to my heart just keep coming.

How could you?
How could you do this?
What did I ever do so horrible to you that you would laugh while I burned and then continue to pour gasoline over me so the flames burned hotter?
Does it make you feel better about your part? Does it absolve you?

Nothing will absolve the things that have been done...No apologies, no truths, no lies... Nothing.

So I'm left to pick myself up, dust myself off and begin again.
My husband who is innocent in all of this stands by me. No matter what. No matter if the things that have been said are true or are lies. It doesn't matter.
He stands by me. He believes in me.
Cast your stones... but be careful because NONE of you are without sin.

When it's late at night and you're alone in your thoughts you will see. You'll see that what you did was not your right to do. It did nothing but cause harm.

I know that's all I see. I never meant anyone harm and that's certainly what happened. I can only offer my apologies. I know no one cares to hear them and it won't absolve me either. I don't need anyone's absolution. That's between me and my God.

I am mourning the loss of the people no longer in my life.
I love them and I miss them. Some of them will take up space in my head and in my heart for a long time. Maybe forever.

Take care of yourselves please.

Love forever


webdesigniinc said...

this is why i read your blog first... it's filled with compassion for others, empathy, truth and it comes from the heart.


Mrs. Posey said...

Staying quiet speaks much louder. Something I am very slower but most assuredly learning.

Mrs. Posey said...

That's a compliment btw, about how you have kept quiet and when you post you do it with tact.

Jamie's Foggy Musings said...

I wish I could say that I've never felt what you are feeling. But I'm coming out of a very long struggle with similar feelings attached. I wish you only happiness. And don't waste energy on things not worth it, direct your energy in ways that make you better. "This too shall pass..." I wish you only light here and in the future.

Leslie said...

Wishing you serenity and love. This is a trying time and it will pass, surround yourself with those who love you unconditionally. Your writings, as always are raw and heartfelt, beautiful as are you.

Anonymous said...

Ah damn, woman, you made me tear up. Hang tough. Time doesn't always heal, but it does dull the pain. Accept yourself, your situation and step forward to make a difference.


Jennyablue said...

I love you! You're a loving person, who deserves to be treated by the Golden Rule, the same one you live by. My heart breaks for you.

I've experienced loss from betrayal too. Time will never heal the pain completely, though will ease the anxiety of grief.

I wish you peace and understanding. ox

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