This is the place I'll come and share random thoughts, comments and some basic BS I feel is worth sharing. You, however, may not feel like it’s worth reading. I make no promises that any of it will make sense, or will even make you laugh… Although, I will certainly try.
I hope you enjoy my musings and my insanity!

P.S. Don’t forget… Tip your waitress on your way out the door!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Wait... what?

I’m about to turn forty. Forty!
Oh. My. God. FORTY! How?

How did this happen? Where did the last ten, or even twenty years go?

I think I’m about to have some sort of melt down or something. And no one gets it. No one! Everyone looks at me as if I am nuts because this bothers me. All I get back when I try to talk about it is, “Why does this bother you?” Or, “Age is just a number. You’re as old as you feel.” Oh, and I love this one, “Forty is the new thirty.” I say bullshit to that. Like hell it’s the new thirty.

Thirty is still thirty and forty is… well forty is just fucking entirely different. Forty means wrinkles (because yes, I am that vain) where there wasn’t before. Forty is looking around at the dance club crowd and realizing I’m old enough to be everyone’s mother. 
Forty is other people. Forty is not me!

I don’t look forty and I don’t feel forty. I feel like something else entirely and that’s the fuck of it all. How in the hell can I be forty? Wasn’t I just twenty-eight? Didn’t I just turn thirty? I swear to you that was just five minutes ago. Wasn’t it?

So, here’s the deal. I’ll list all my reasons for why turning forty bothers me, and you can all comment and tell me how silly I am. How I shouldn’t worry. How I will love my forties. -By the way, the people that say these things to me are either in their early thirties or far past when they themselves turned forty. 
And men? Yeah, guys sorry, but your opinion on this doesn’t count for much with me because it is not the same for you. It’s just not. Most men tend to look better with age.

So please, comment and I’ll roll my eyes, ball my fists and maybe even throw a tantrum. And when it’s all said and done, I'll turn forty and will survive, because that’s what I do.

1)      I fear my mortality the older I get.
2)      I do not want to look old.
3)      I do not want to get old.
4)      I feel like I must have missed something somewhere because the last ten to twenty years is a blur. What was I doing? Oh, yeah. Having kids.
5)      I don’t think I am qualified to be forty. Wasn’t I supposed to know more than I do now?
6)      I have a twenty-three year old stepson and a twenty-one year old son. You know what this means? Yes, yes. Someday, in the not too distant future, I will be a grandmother.
7)      I am not ready to be a grandmother. How in the hell could I be a grandmother? This freaks me the fuck out.
8)      I also have an eight and nine year old. If I am supposed to be forty then why the hell are there little children still living under my roof? (Yes, I realize this is completely insane because I chose to birth them. Humor me.)
9)      I can’t see past the wrinkles that are already here and will continue to show up, as well as the physical aches and pains I already have. And let’s not even get into my medical issues. This will all only get worse.
10)   I’m just not ready.

These are all basic normal fears. Yet no one, other than one person on twitter so far, seems to understand them. Everyone just poo-poo’s me and dismisses it. That really pisses me off.

Do I know that I'm being irrational? Yes. I am well aware. Do I know that these are just fears and that I will get past it and it will eventually be no big deal? Yes. I know this too.

But, it doesn’t change how I feel right now. 

Right now I am completely frustrated, vacillating between ignoring my fears and having a panic attack over them. Also, having no one understand this doesn’t feel very good either.

In less than one week, it’s my birthday. I'll officially be forty. I may or may not be tweeting. I may be curled up in bed in tears or I may be totally fine. Who the hell knows. Certainly not me. I guess we’ll just wait and see.

Wookies Girl.


Anonymous said...

Alright my friend, I totally understand because a mere 39 mins ago I turned 36 and the way i see it is damn I'm on the other side of thirty on my way to forty. Now you know I love you more than anyone can ever understand and I think you are one HELL of a sexy woman but yes, I completely get it. Hang in there baby and message my ass that day because Lord knows I still may be mourning my own BDay. Love ya! Tiff

DA Hodgkins said...

One day I realized that 40 had come and gone, but I still was not "wise." I thought I would grow up and know more. What I understand now is how much I will never know, as there is not enough time.

My daughter is 15 and full of promise. Was I ever like that?

Louisa Bacio said...

Sending you some major hugs. I get it. I do understand. But ... it's also good. Way more confident than when I was younger. One of the hardest things for me = my eyesight did take that dive. WTH? Reading glasses?

Keri said...

I totally get it! Only 2 years away from 40 and agree.. Where did the years go and how do I get more? I hope your day is wonderful, I hope the wrinkles are few and faaaaar between and I hope your health stays strong! In the meantime, be pissed about turning forty all you want! After all, it is your party and you can cry if you want to! Big Hugs and Love you bunches! Here's to you coining the phrase "Forty and Fabulous"! XO

Wookies Girl said...

Happy Birthday, Tiff!

Love ya honey!

Anonymous said...

I felt that way at 25! I know it sounds insane. I was in shock that I could be 25 now I am 53 and I am wondering what the hell just happened and I feel tricked. I don't feel 53. Although the bones hurt more and I don't look 53 althought the wrinkles are there and I don't want to be 53 although I am and I can't stop the life process although I want to. Oh hey. The three c's apply. I call bullshit and I want time out on this.... When the hell did All this life happen it sucks but hey the alternative is worse. ;D. My body is going down but my spirit is more peaceful. My face is sagging but my attitude is up. And so on. Sometimes I think it's a big trick and then I realize again how lucky I am to have all this time to have lived with lots of lessons learned. Keep ur chin up. Haha Metaphorically speaking. Hugs and love. Susan

Jane Kindred said...

You aren't going to get any bullshit about 40 being the new 30 from me. I am *still* mortified to have turned 40, and it was almost six years ago. Like you, I simply don't understand how this happened, where the time went. I don't feel 45 and 11 months. I don't feel old enough to have a 21-year-old son. I feel...I don't know...betrayed, somehow, by *not* feeling any older than twenty-something. Like I just woke up one day and 20 years were gone.

I'm betting this is not helping you in any way, but I thought I'd at least let you know you're not alone in being freaked out. My mother died at 46 of breast cancer. I have a month to go before I outlive my mental life expectancy. I. Am. Freaking. Out. It didn't help to have my husband suddenly get cancer and be gone in a wink right after my last birthday. Life and the passage of time just don't make any sense to me. I hope to be a very old (but very gracefully aging! ha!) woman some day. I would just prefer that it wait a little longer.

Wookies Girl said...

Jane, your comment is perfect. I'm grateful for those that 'get it'

Thanks sweetie! *hugs*

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