Loss and Absolution

Since this is my place to rant about my daily events in life, I've decided I may as well let some of the thoughts in my mind out.

This last week has been incredibly sad for me.
I've suffered more losses than I care to think about. People that I let into my heart have turned on me and fed me to the wolves. People that I trusted wholeheartedly...
Don't get me wrong, this isn't meant to be a "pity party" or a"poor me session". I've remained quiet this week... tried to maintain some dignity and grace. Notice I said tried because there have been times this week where I've failed to do that. I'm human like the rest of you.

Today I woke feeling so empty inside and yet full at the same time. I can't hold it in anymore. I'm so angry and I want to lash out and cause harm to those that have hurt me. I'm trying to avoid that. It's not the person I wish to be today...so instead I'll write. I'll write about my pain because truly that is where the anger I feel comes from. I'm in pain. I've been hurt. Rather than feed the anger I'll attend to the hurt and let it out.

Why not right? They can't hurt me anymore...or can they?

I've written a couple of blogs about friends and friendship. I've talked about how I give and give and then give more of myself. This is the way I am. I give all of me and I take care of the people that I love. I expect only one thing in return.
Your friendship.
My definition of friendship is pretty clear. Be the friend I am to you. Loyal, loving, caring, faithful and true. These words amazingly enough have been turned on me.
They now are twisted to say that I give only because I expect something in return. Maybe that's true... maybe they're right.
If wanting my friends to love me in return... to be for me what I am for them is wrong... then convict me.
Isn't that what all people want? To love and to be loved in return.
The things I gave... Love, attention, time, care, help, loyalty and acceptance. Was I so wrong for wanting those things returned to me? I don't think I was... But you tell me please.

I never asked them for anything but that. What I got was something entirely different.

What I got was a knife in the back and a slap in the face. What I got was harm brought to my husband. What I got was burned at the stake.
For what I ask? For what purpose?
Some say I am guilty and it doesn't really matter does it? It doesn't matter what the truth is or what the lie is or any of it. Some say I made my own bed and deserve what happened to me... Did I? Maybe I did...But if I made my bed, I didn't make it alone.

I would never do what these people have done. I would never tie you to the stake and laugh as you burned.

The loss I feel is so great. The ugliness I have witnessed has been gut wrenching. The hits to my heart just keep coming.

How could you?
How could you do this?
What did I ever do so horrible to you that you would laugh while I burned and then continue to pour gasoline over me so the flames burned hotter?
Does it make you feel better about your part? Does it absolve you?

Nothing will absolve the things that have been done...No apologies, no truths, no lies... Nothing.

So I'm left to pick myself up, dust myself off and begin again.
My husband who is innocent in all of this stands by me. No matter what. No matter if the things that have been said are true or are lies. It doesn't matter.
He stands by me. He believes in me.
Cast your stones... but be careful because NONE of you are without sin.

When it's late at night and you're alone in your thoughts you will see. You'll see that what you did was not your right to do. It did nothing but cause harm.

I know that's all I see. I never meant anyone harm and that's certainly what happened. I can only offer my apologies. I know no one cares to hear them and it won't absolve me either. I don't need anyone's absolution. That's between me and my God.

I am mourning the loss of the people no longer in my life.
I love them and I miss them. Some of them will take up space in my head and in my heart for a long time. Maybe forever.

Take care of yourselves please.

Love forever
WookiesGirl

Vegas Baby!

Hello everyone... I figured I would tell you about my weekend in Vegas! Okay you can stop rolling your eyes at me...

Why was I going to Vegas? Well ya see, my friend from twitter @piaveleno and her hubby @slowi were going to be there for the whole week. They live on the other side of the country from me and I REALLY wanted to meet them.

My husband @wookiestyle couldn't go with me so I roped @flygirlie314 into coming, of course she excitedly agreed to go.
We booked our room the week before and got a really good deal. SWEET!!!
We also decided to drive since the flights fill up too quickly making flying standbye a bit difficult. It's only 6 hours and I don't mind the driving.. a consequence of being a truckers daughter..
We set off on Friday afternoon.. GOIN' TO VEGAS BABY!

Now those of you that know me, know that I LOVE My car... (BMW 530i) I love to drive my car fast, hell my car goes fast all by itself. So we're cruising at a nice speed of hmmm about 90-95 mph, sometimes over a 100 depending on if we were passing someone. I had a running partner... You know another car that is speeding also. You run the freeway together...FUN! (I know I am a racing dork) Anyway...



For about the first 4 hours of the trip I was running with this Mercedes S500. Nice car. I let him lead... and we made REALLY good time. I lost him close to Laughlin because we had to pee.



We pass Laughlin and we're on the final stretch. This LONG 2 lane freeway. Nothing but desert on either side. I guess its about a 50 mile stretch-not sure.
So we're cruising and the music is blaring...At this point @flygirlie314 has put on her "Vegas" Play list and she is torturing me with Elvis and Wayne Newton. GOD HELP ME...

Anyway... @flygirlie314 see's a cop go by on the opposite side of the freeway and sees him slow and make a U-turn in the dirt divider.. OH SHIT! Here come the lights... Hmmm
So I casually pull to the right lane and slow my roll... "What the hell is the speed limit?" I ask.. "Hmm 65 I think" UH OH!

Sure enough he pulls up behind me. Like a good little girl I pull over. Now here is the GREAT DEBATE. I was just talking about this with my friend @corbsilverthorn. I NEVER GET OUT OF TICKETS! Never never never...so I KNOW I am going to get a ticket.

My adopted (by choice) Dad is a retired state trooper in CT and once upon a time I myself tested for the police force in my home town so I know the drill... and I ALWAYS cooperate.. Contrary to what @corbsilverthorn thinks I DO NOT argue with cops *sticks tongue out at Corbin* Anyway...

I turn on the interior lights, roll down my window and take out my license. @flygirlie314 gets the registration and insurance paperwork out of the glove box. And we wait...(and I tweet in that I got pulled over)

"Good evening, the reason I pulled you over is because I clocked you doing 88 mph. Is there a reason you were going that fast ma'am?"

Now... Why do they ask this question? I have to ask my Dad.. Because really what are you going to say? I think they do it just to see what sort of crap you will come up with...
@flygirlie314 says "Let's tell him that we were trying to break the sound barrier... We almost did it too!" LMAO..

Basically I tell him the truth...
"Well officer, we were just talking and singing and really I just lost track." What? It's sort of the truth.. LOL
Okay so he asks.. "You heading to Vegas?"
"Um yes." and I am smiling and trying to stick out my chest and @flygirlie314 is smiling and Yeah its not working.. He takes my info and goes back to the cruiser.

So he returns and cuts me some slack, gives me the ticket for only 5 mph over.. Gee thanks.. LOL No really.. Thank you officer. However MY BOOBS FAILED ME... AGAIN! (I promptly tweeted this is to you all as well)

He tells me to keep it at or under 80 and NO one will pull me over...and i say
"It's really not my fault... it's my car, it just goes 80 all on its own" He laughs at this and replies...
"Yes I had a BMW when I lived in Europe, but there I could drive as fast as I wanted"
LOL Well thanks for rubbing it in!

So we were off again and this time I set the cruise control at 79... hehe.. See I follow directions.
The rest of the ride was uneventful and we arrived in Vegas in less then 6 hours. Amazing since we stopped 3 times and got pulled over once. NICE!

So blah blah blah we get checked in and then head over to @piaveleno's hotel. OMG
Let me tell you about this girl.


She is a sweetie.. TOTAL Sweetie! *hugs hugs hugs hugs*

We go get food and then promptly find a bar and I begin drinking some Grand Marnier.. WELL those that know me also know that when I drink Grand Marnier I get DRUNK..
So we stayed out late chatting and laughing and WOW did I mention I was drunk.

About 3am we decide it's time to head back to our hotel and @flygirlie314 decides we should walk for a bit then catch a cab. But do we do that? NO of course not.. We march our drunk asses all the way back to our hotel.. Which was about 2 miles from where we were. Not too far but the next morning it really seemed like 10 miles.
Did I tell you I am out of shape.. Yeah SO OUT OF SHAPE.



The next day we pry ourselves out of bed and proceed to walk the damn mile long mall at Planet Hollywood. GOOD LORD. You wouldn't think that walking would be so hard, I mean you do it everyday right? It felt like we had run 10 miles or something. By the time Saturday night arrived we were tired and grumpy and did I mention tired...Oh yeah and grumpy?

Oh one other thing.. while walking the mile long mall we were drinking. DUH!! It's Vegas... But I went into this art gallery that I had visited the last time I was there and checked out this AMAZING painting. I fell in love with it in July and I really wanted it. So now I am drunk in Vegas and the guy in the gallery is talking to me about it. He brings me into a private viewing room to look at the painting and WOW now I am calling the hubby..
"But hon, its 9k for the painting and they'll take payments. What do you think?"

Well he laughed at me and said NO of course.. Damn damn damn I want that painting.

Needless to say I didn't buy it. =(

So Saturday night we're grumpy and tired and the temptation to just stay in the room was enormous. However the bed sucked (hence the good deal) and well shit.. We're in Vegas right? We can't poop out.

So again we peel ourselves out of the bed and make our way down to catch a cab.. NO MORE WALKING dammit!
Did I mention there was some big fight in Vegas that weekend? Yeah, nope I didn't, well apparently it just let out and the Taxi stand was packed. So screw it we head over to the MGM Grand to grab the monorail. We get downstairs to a crowd of unbelievable size. WALL TO WALL PEOPLE.. You could barely walk. Apparently this was where the fight was being held. AWESOME!

We finally make our way to the monorail, hop on that and make our way to the closest hotel to Pia. So we end up walking from there.. OMG I think I have shin spurs now.. seriously.

It took us an hour to get 2 miles.

So we grab some food which we barely eat and we're drinking coffee.. COFFEE? Really? Coffee? In Vegas.. Oy Vey I am getting too old for this stuff.
So we hang for a bit, gamble a bit, chat a bit and head back to the room.

The rest of the night was uneventful and the next morning as well. We had breakfast with Pia and her hubby at a different hotel and we actually drove there in my car and utilized the lovely Valet service so we had very little walking to do. THANK GOD.

I'll finish up by telling you about the nice EVENTFUL drive home.
We're now back on the same freeway I got the speeding ticket on. There is traffic and its cruising juts fine. I am right at about 80 mph or just under and following a Tahoe. I don't tailgate but traffic is moving pretty good and I would say I was at least 1.5 car lengths behind him. All of the sudden he runs over a HUGENORMOUS truck tire tread.. (yes I said hugenormous).. well of course I have no time to react or swerve or ANYTHING, ya know since I was following too close.

I did swerve a bit and ran over the tread with my left front tire. BAM BAM.. OH SHIT...
So I am waiting now to see if any bells, lights or whistles start going off and nothing happens THANK GOD. However I do now have a vibration when I brake... Hmm definitely will need a re-balance of the tire and probably an alignment.



When we hit the first small town I pulled off and checked the car.. Oh awesome. Tire tread marks all over the front left bumper. My bumper is knocked loose from its clips and is shifted out of place on one side and my left fog light is busted out of its hole. Okay so this is all easily fixed by my mechanic.. Probably just some new clips etc. to pop everything back in to place. Then on my drivers side door there are more tire treads and a freaking DENT!!!!


Fantastic! =(

Now honestly I realize that it could have been FAR worse. I could have lost control of the car and wrecked or I could have really broken something mechanical in the car. None of that happened and for that I am truly grateful.

So all in all it was a decent trip. It was a pure joy to be able to meet @slowi and @piaveleno. They are awesome wonderful people. LOVE THEM! I can't wait to see them again.

That's my story and I am sticking to it!

So... Can I go on a vacation now? LOL