Friendship

I was having a discussion around the topic of “Friendship” with someone I currently consider a very close friend. We decided to write a blog… What makes a good friend, what kind of friends do we think we are? Etc…

She wrote her opinion of what she believes a true friend is.

I decided to write what I feel a true friend should do and would never do.

We asked another writer who happens to be one of my good friends to play “Devil’s Advocate.” Why? Well, because that’s what he does best…forever the cynic, this friend of mine. He will shoot holes in every part of what we’ve written.

…But let me add after reading his contribution I was quite surprised. Rather than shooting holes, he actually filled in some gaps I think. =)

Please comment and let us know what you think? What’s your opinion on “Friendship”? What kind of friend are you? What kind of friends do you surround yourself with? Whatever you choose is fine really…Just comment! We like comments…=)

Love ya!

Wookiesgirl

The following written By Flygirlie314

My Definition of Friendship: The bond between individuals where honesty, loyalty, devotion and acceptance are considered priorities.

In other words, you find qualities in another that you can relate to or embrace; aspects that might compliment one another, similarities that you might share.

What should friendship entail?

What do I expect from a friend?

A friend is someone who I can bare my heart and soul to, regardless of negativity or repercussions. Someone I can count on to tell me the truth about myself or situation no matter how ugly it may be. A friend is forgiving and trustworthy. A friend is someone who would accept you for everything you are, good and bad.

A friend is one who, no matter how much time passes without contact, you can pick up right where you left off. No second guesses, no insecurities.

Friendship passes the test of time.

A friend is one who answers the phone when the time is inconvenient. A friend comes through for you.

I think there should be no ifs, ands or buts in friendship. No holds barred.

Now, a friend doesn’t necessarily need to approve of your choices or decisions, a friend needs to understand why you make them and love you in spite of them.

…Flygirlie314

The following written by Me.. Wookiesgirl

My Definition of Friendship: A true friend stabs you in the front… Never in the back!

I’m going to tell you all about what I feel is NOT friendship.

Many times in my life I have been hurt by people, aka “friends”… Usually, because I thought they were my friends and they truly weren’t, or I thought them to be more of a friend then they really were.

Let me explain just a little… I feel that I may view/judge my friendships based on how I treat the person I am friends with. I hope for the same treatment or loyalty that I give in return.

Now I know what you’re thinking…how conditional right? Well no…not at all. I don’t give to my friends because I expect something in return… I give because I want to give… I can’t help myself. I’m a romantic where love and friendship are concerned. I automatically think that if I give you love, care and my loyalty, you will and should return it.

The problem is I don’t always get that love, care and loyalty in return.

I am a very loyal friend. I am a giving friend.

I have a mothering heart and if you need mothering, I can be that for you.

I will help you always when you need it and yes sometimes, as I mentioned before in a previous blog, I will let you fall on your ass when you need it.

I will tell you the truth when you refuse to see it or even hear it.

I do realize I am NOT perfect. I am a pain in the ass and I’m not always the best friend that I can be. I am quite sure I have hurt people. I try to clean that up and there is always more work and more amends to make… I am human and I do try to remember that my “friends” are human too.
Anyway…

In return for my love, care and loyalty I think you should give me the same… but this is not always the case with people…Most people fall short of my "friend" expectations.

Expectations get me in trouble. I end up getting my feelings hurt.

When you do something or don’t do something according to my expectations, no matter how rational or realistic those expectations may be… I know that it truly is my problem.

…But I digress… back to what I think a true friend is or isn’t:

A true friend will not stab you in the back by consistently telling you one thing to your face and then acting differently while you watch… then denying the behavior…UGH this makes me crazy… LOL

A true friend will tell you the truth, even if they think it will hurt.

A true friend will NOT LIE to you.

A true friend will not go behind your back to others and seek information about you or stir trouble, whether or not there is trouble to be found.

A true friend will defend you even if they think you’re wrong. They can rip into you later in private but in public they will stand by you.

A true friend won’t pick your man over you.

A true friend won’t take your man.

A true friend remains a friend… no matter what… No matter if they think you’re making bad choices or taking wrong actions, or if they don’t agree with your point of view.

A true friend stays true.

…WookiesGirl

The following written by CorbSilverthorn

The definitions given above are idealistic. It would be wonderful if everyone were able to be a good friend like that.

I don’t believe every individual has the capacity to be a good friend, especially in today’s society. The distractions make us absentee friends and the day to day grind of work and school and life in general, makes it too easy to not stay in touch. We do not seek each other “just because”. We seek each other when we need something. And I’m not talking about money or other material things (although yes, that too), I’m talking about emotional needs. We seek each other out when we need to unload our burdens. And yes, of course that’s part of friendship, but sometimes that’s the pattern we fall into. It’s no longer a give and take… it’s just a take.

When we expect a certain kind of behavior from a person we have befriended, we are automatically setting them up for failure, and we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. The moment we expect the same treatment or loyalty in return, that we give that person, we change the dynamics of friendship.

Friendship should be given with absolutely no expectations. It’s like lending money to a relative or friend; you should never expect it back.

We can never give ourselves completely to the person or people we call friends. We are never completely open. We all have that small deposit of thoughts that are locked away from everyone. Somewhere along the line every person becomes territorial, and somewhere along that winding road of friendship, that territory gets stomped on.

With all of that said, we have to realize men and women think and act differently when it comes to friendship. Although, I believe, women make better friends than men, women are also more uptight about maintaining friendships than men. Women are natural friends. Men, well, we really don’t think about it. We, for the most part, don’t feel a need to share what’s in our head, unless it’s something really stupid, funny, or something that will get us into trouble. We don’t talk about our emotions and we don’t hug each other… unless we’re saying hello and then it’s not even a real hug.

I know, I know, you are currently shaking your head and saying “not true, men hug!” that’s fine. Let’s move along now….

My point, yes, finally I’ve reached it… I think…

Friendship is an ever evolving creature. Why? Because we are ever evolving creatures and our circumstances are ever evolving. Sometimes the friendships last, sometimes they drift apart, sometimes they come back, and sometimes they don’t. We should be there for our friends, yes, so true. But we should also seek our friends when times are good and we just want to shoot the breeze. If your friend only seeks you when he or she needs to feed off of your energy, then that isn’t a true friend. If our own well is empty, we’ve got nothing to offer another person.

Kahlil Gibran said it best:

And let your best be for your friend.

If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.

For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?

Seek him always with hours to live.

For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.

And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.

For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

So, just relax and remember that not everyone is cut out to be a friend. Not everyone will be the friend that you think you are.

…CorbSilverthorn

My Son

I was asked to write a poem about my son… my 18yr old. My response was one of shock coupled with a gaping mouth.

Really? A poem about my son? What would I write, about how many inappropriate things he does on a daily basis? NOT!!!!

Now don’t get me wrong. I love my son. He is a blessing. I have always felt this way about him. He was God’s gift to me.

So let me explain:

I got pregnant with my son when I was 18 yrs old. I had quit high school almost 2 yrs prior and I had no future. I was living at my boyfriend’s parent’s house. We had separate bedrooms of course but that never seemed to stop any “inappropriate behavior”. So there I am… can you see it? High school drop out, dance class drop out and working at a shit-hole gas station with absolutely NO FUTURE and then…I get pregnant.

Now my boyfriend was ecstatic and I was not unhappy… But definitely I was scared out of my mind. My boyfriends parents… heh… Yeah NOT HAPPY! My mother as you can imagine flipped out. I was hit with a whole lot of “You’re going to ruin your life” and “What about your future?”

Huh…My future? What freaking future? Have you been paying attention? I HAVE no future…

Basically this baby was my wake up call from God. A big huge kick in my ass to get it together.

So… I dropped the boyfriend who by the way decided to say about halfway through the pregnancy that it wasn’t his child... WHATEVER.

I went back and got my GED… which basically translates to I got my high school diploma and never made it through my Junior year.

I started going to college…. AMAZING... ME... College… Now I didn’t get to finish and that’s another story, but what I wanted to tell you was about my baby boy.

He was perfect… Well HE WAS HUGE AND HE ALMOST KILLED ME WHILE HE WAS BEING BORN… but he was perfect.

I was not a great mother… I was a teenage mother although I had turned 19 a month after he was born I was in no way ready to be a mother. I had moved back in with my mother and she of course was totally in love with my son. She used to say... “Go ahead, go out with your friends or your boyfriend…I’ll watch the baby” So I did... I mean of course I did. A LOT.

My baby boy slept through the night from very early on so it made it real easy to go out and stay out late. My mother was insane and used to have him sleep in her room so I never needed to be there if he woke in the middle of the night. It was very convenient. It was also VERY WRONG.

I used to beat myself up a lot over the fact that I don’t think I was a good mother to him when he was small. But then I look at his baby book and I see that I wrote in it religiously…I wrote things in there that I don’t remember about him and today I am so grateful that I did… I know that just because I wrote in his baby book doesn’t mean I deserve some mother of the year award… but I wasn’t as bad a mother as I sometimes think I was.

I also have a keepsake box for him… It has all sorts of things in it. The t-shirt he wore home from the hospital, his hospital bracelet, his pacifier, etc…It also had something in it that I had completely forgotten about. Apparently one night when I was at home I decided to write him a letter.

I will share it with you:

Dearest Matthew,

Today is September 26- you are 3 months old now. As I look at you sleeping you are perfect to me. I can’t believe sometimes that you are mine. I created you.

When you were born you were 8lbs 8ozs. I will tell you I thought I was going to die. But every moment of the pain was worth having you. If I could do it again I would. If it meant seeing you for the first time and hearing you cry, it would all be worth it.

As I look at you, I feel so much love for you.

I thank God for the perfect little boy he has given me.

You are beautiful and perfect in every way.

When you read this you will be a young man and I know I will love you then as much as I love you now.

I hope all your dreams and wishes come true.

Love you always and forever Son.

Mommy

I took this letter and I sealed it in an envelope and said DO NOT OPEN UNTIL YOUR 18^th BIRTHDAY.

I had forgotten about the letter. Matthew remembered on his birthday and he asked me about it.

WOW I was nervous. I had no idea what I had written. Lord knows what it could say right?

So he read it and I think he knew that I loved him then… and I think he knows that I love him now.

My son has not done all the things I hoped he would do. But he has also done many things I never thought he would do.

He is an amazing musician.

He is loved by his friends

He is very funny

He graduated high school (barely, but that is more than I can say for me)

He is going to college

He is responsible with work

He smokes too much (I DO NOT CONDONE THIS)

He wants to do the right thing even though he doesn’t always know what the right thing is.

He knows that his mother loves him.

SO that is all I will share today about my son. Although there is so much more...You can follow him on twitter. He is not on very often but he is awful fun to chat with when he is @mattyhoff

And now he's modeling

I love my son and today I am still grateful to God that he was my kick in the ass!

Revelations

Hello all,
It's late and I was about to go to bed but all of the sudden I felt an urge to write. Some things have come into perspective for me in the past couple of weeks.
Blame it on me having surgery or being on pain meds... or even then catching a damn cold right when I am supposed to be recovering from my big surgery... I know... WONDERFUL!

You probably want to know what surgery I had... It was elective which for some reason I have in my head doesn't count or that maybe I don't deserve to get well wishes or prayers for safe/successful recovery since I brought this on myself. Hmm, my mind is demented I know... Don't go there... LOL

Anyway, quickly I will tell you because it's not what I want to talk about tonight.
I had a tummy tuck. NOW many of you have seen me in pics. I am thin... however... I have had 3 BIG babies... one over 8lbs, the next over 7 and the last was a whopping 9lbs. The first one ruined my tummy... the last two just made it worse. SOO I wanted it fixed. After 19yrs I wanted a cute tummy again... also I had the boobs done a few years ago, again to repair baby damage... they needed a little touch up so while I was in there we did that too. I had one other procedure done that I won’t mention. If you are a woman who has had kids and are curious feel free to ask in comment and leave your email... I will let you know privately. (NO I DIDN'T HAVE IT TIGHTENED UP...*rolls eyes*)

Anyway...
Back to my revelations...
I believe that God reveals things to us when he feels we are ready to see them. Like maybe our eyes saw over and over again before but our soul didn't really recognize. Now for whatever reason it's become clear. We have a new set of eyes or ears for that matter. Now we get to decide what to do with this new information.

My father said to me a few years ago, and I quoted it in a poem once... "You get too attached, you have always been this way, even as a child" He was right I do...
I get way too attached to people.
I give and give to them and I try to be the best friend I can be to them. NOW this is not to say that I am not a pain in the ass... BELIEVE Me I know I am! I have a lot of expectations of people... most times people cant live up to them. I could go on and on about how high maintenance I am as a friend.
With that being said though I bring a lot of good things to the table too. I have a mothering heart. I love you and care for you and make sure you have what you need. I hold you up when you are down, I loan you money and don't expect it back in return... I also let you fall on your ass when I think you need to learn a lesson.
Above all I try to love you unconditionally.
I am not perfect at any of this and I screw up a lot... Find myself making a lot of amends.
I love people. I am a true extrovert. I love attention; love to be the center of attention. I love to make new friends.
My adopted dad said once to me over 15 yrs ago, (long story and diff then the dad ref. above) "I have many…many acquaintances...I only have a few friends. In fact I can count them on one hand"

I thought this was the strangest thing. I mean... There are so many people in my life that I consider friends... SO MANY...I can’t count them all really.
BUT.....
When I look back over the last 15 years... How many people are still present in my life? How many are still friends. REAL friends. Friends who would fly across the country in a heart beat if I needed them. A few names come to mind. These people I could go 10yrs without speaking to and if I called them right now and said "I NEED YOU" they would be here... But many others, not so much...even current ones I see everyday.

So once again... I am faced with really looking at those around me.
Who really are my friends?
What is a real friend?
What do I want that to look like for me?
Lastly what kind of friend do I want to be?
All very good questions.

It makes me sad though, because I want to believe that everyone I care for... that I so freely give my love and friendship to would give me back the same... This is not always the case and I end up hurt... like my father said... I get too attached, I always have.

So here in my late 30's I would like to know... Who are my friends? My REAL friends...?
Not the ones that just say they are, not the ones that are attached to me and my husband and what our marriage looks like for them... not the ones that are around because yeah really, Its nice to be around us, in our home.. We’re comfy... we have open hearts and open arms. All are welcome. Ask anyone who has spent time here with us. It's nice here.

I want to know who my friends are....
Right now I can name only two for sure.

My daughters God Mother. I know that she will always be there and even when she has hurt me she always comes back and stands true. Stands by ME! ME!!! No matter what I do, what mistakes I make or whatever... she is there.

I also know that my Best Friend and sister in recovery will always be there for me and love me unconditionally! THANK GOD for that!

What do you all think?
Have you ever thought about who your friends really are?

That's all I have. I hope you comment for me because I am really curious about your thoughts.

Love and Kisses to you all...

Wookiesgirl!